Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
