Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
