If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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