I met the friendliest cop last night
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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