Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
