I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You don't make any sense
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