I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Dick very happy bro
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
