Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
