I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
