omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Welp...herpes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
