Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
