The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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