how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
