if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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