thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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