Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
