Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
