I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it glows. i had to have it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
