i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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