I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
