I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
