I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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