I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
