so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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