I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
