i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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