Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
