my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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