I have demons in me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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