Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
