I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
