Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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