dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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