my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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