I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
