he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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