First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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