i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
