My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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