Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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