It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
