I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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