got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Operation Purity has been aborted
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
