I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
