that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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