I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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