Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
