I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
