my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
