I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
