I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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