my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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